- Match Report
KEYSTONE WOMBATS BOTCH COMICAL FRIENDLY
by Ian Gason
Some largely forgettable cricket, attempted unsuccesfully to obscure to unforgettable asides as an experimental Tokyo Wombats XI failed to haul in Indian Engineers’ meagre 135, on a stinker at Koiwa.
Saturday cricket still hasn’t caught on yet at Wombat-land, so it was really no surprise that we had no more than 5 of us leaving the station on time. Ax and Washington were still settling the tab at Club Claudia, and just like Sundays, Dinosaur was struggling with the unique Tokyo concept of traffic.
Smokin’ Pete was struggling with the beer wagon, and Spacey had to pop round to Auntie Mavis’ to borrow a hat.
Fortunately, The Indians seemed to be having simliar problems, so it was quite a surprise that we got going within 2 hours of the alleged start time.
TWCC welcomed back Washington, star of the Serendib run-out that wasn’t, and Reg Dawson, finally having caught the right train from Shinjuku. Also, playing for his third club in as many weeks, Tokyo Bay’s David Davis chose the wrong day to see how a real cricket club plays.
Indians went into bat, and the Wombats soon unleashed a barrage of sledges….on each other. Particularly harsh treatment was dished out to opening bowlers Andy Hall (Van Gogh, Leper, NIKKA, what Darren Lehmann said) and Jim Cole (Auntie Mavis, Spacey, Spicey, Porn-star). Perhaps shell shocked by Auntie Mavis’ hat, Indians managed to lose an early wicket.
Abnormal programming was soon restored when Afro Jones brought Washington and Davis into the, um, attack?
Indians’ got their over-priced scoreboard ticking over, and Afro had no choice but to move more and more of his pawns into the legside. Had the Indians connected a bit more, things would have been messy, but fortunately Davis managed to buy a wicket as Old Man Smoker in the deep didn’t drop his second sitter for the day.
The Shinjuku Express came in for some harsh treatment from the Wombat sledgers, who engaged in some typically Aussie kiwi-baaaashing. “Bowl him some fush and chups, see if he’ll bite thet” probably stands out as the worst of a bad lot. Despite or in spite of the sledging, Reggie was the pick of the bowlers, bowling straight and deserving of his 2 wuckets.
Jarrad came on and bowled like a true wicket keeper, before Afro Jones pressed his case for selection, by snagging 4 wickets with some flighty wobbly spinny thingies. Somewhere amongst all the sledging and funny hats and shaved legs, 10 wickets fell for 135 runs.
The sun was getting to Afro Jones, who, thinking he was Don Bradman on a sticky wicket, reversed the batting order. Hoping to give some under-done mugs their 15 minutes of fame was a noble idea, but we were unaware the new Club bat, The Big Malloo, was actually cursed. Within 2 overs it had the amazing stats of 2 wickets, 0 runs, from just ONE BALL!! First to go was Ax (diamond duck), run out after responding with all urgency of the Japanese public service, followed next ball by Curly who dragged one on for a golden. Dunno which is worse….
Auntie Mavis took 3 balls to see himself in, then one ball to see himself out. Herd menatlity – and I don’t mean Jason- soon took over as Old Man Smoker joined the rush to beat the traffic. Wombats on the road to a spanking, 4/7.
Washington struggled gamely with The Curse Of The Big Malloo, as he and Reggie tried to right the over-turned Wombats juggernaut. A couple of cow corner boundaries weren’t enough to break the curse, as The Malloo claimed victim #3, bowled. The Wombats’ counter-attack centred on an old friend, Wides. The nonstrikers were given ample opportunity to sniff the umpires armpits, as he was soon flapping his wings like a seagull at the beach.
David Davis accumulated dots until he accumulated an edge to the keeper. Perhaps the shock of a ball landing on the pitch explains his di-orientation, as he signalled wide and marched down the pitch instead of off it.
Somewhere along the line we ended up with those two eagles fans, Jones and Shearer at the crease. Jones too feathered an edge to the keeper and joined the Wombats in the pavilion who were now very busily searching for a paddle to get us out of this creek. Zulu became the Big Malloo’s 4th duck of the day, when he swung at a ball which was destined to be a wide til his bat may or may not have intervened on the way through to the keeper.
So here we are, 50 runs short with Jarrad and NIKKA at the crease, last man does NOT get his tucker. Smoker was on the phone to John The Bookie, who refused all bets on a run out, and was only prepared to offer $1.03 on an Indian victory. NIKKA’s calling between the wickets verged on sledging, as the pair bitched at each other like a couple of old drag queens.
“COME on will you RUN! Run HARDER”
“Do you think you could call a bit louder, I’ve still got one ear drum left, Dino”
“There is NO way in the WORLD there is a run in that”
“Come on you fossil there was two in that”
“No, you’re joking. you want me to give you the strike”.
And they pushed the score past 100. Another soul stirring victory for The Wombats?
Rob Mann, having neither bowled or faced a ball, decided it was time for him to make a bigger contribution to the fiasco, and came out to square leg. Within a couple of balls, Rob had left his mark on the game, and the game had left its mark on Rob too.
A slower ball to NIKKA was swept square and hard. Very square, and recalling some his better moves from Club Claudia, Ax moved first left, then right, straight back into the path of the ball. The drag queens had thought there were some runs in it, and were part of the way down the pitch when The Knee of God sprang into action. After a mid pitch conference, the batsqueens decide to keep running. The only person on the field still not laughing picked up the ball, and the keeper did the rest. Grumpy, run out, got grumpy with Rob, and unleashed an M-sized bag of expletives at the poor bloke, and then proceeded to make a very valiant attempt at Bird’s bat throwing record.
Smoker was soon back on the phone to John, muttering one of his favourite phrases,” Any price a winner, right John?”