Quote of the Week

"Since I've been living in Tokyo, I've spent 20% of my time thinking about work, 20% thinking about sex, and the other 60% thinking about the Wombats."

Christopher Mortimer reflects on his time spent in Tokyo with the Wombats.....
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Pres & Coach rant

Updated October 15th, 2007

Curly's Corner ...... social

Can't bat, can't bowl, can't field? Join the Club mate!! Dunno fine leg from Fine Cotton? Well, kampai cobba, c'mon in! There's more to being a Tokyo Wombat than disgracing yourself on the cricket field.......
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Golden Thong ...... Z-file

Mark 'Killer' Kelly takes 4/22 against MAX to win this week's Hardys' Man of the Match! Killer's figures displace TWCC president as the Wombat with the best ever bowling figures at Fuji #1.
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Check out the players and members that make the Wombats 'The Wombats'. Some true blue characters buried in amoungst the group and it's a good laugh to be had. Some of the character traits are ...... you better have a look for yourself.
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With what started from taking a quick trip down to the shops on the pushy to pick up a carton of milk all went horribly wrong when my brother took a wrong corner and now 25 000kms over a stretch of 18 months in a monster bicycle tour around Australia...

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WOMBATS BISH-SLAP WYVERNS IN FINAL!
by Ian Gason
>>>Match Scorecard vs Wyverns

Tokyo Wombats secured it's second consecutive J1C flag Sunday after setting a healthy 246 run target for Wyverns. An all round team effort, with contributions from all the batsmen and all the bowlers -as well as Killer's lawn-mowing- saw Wombats complete a dominant season undefeated.

Humidity at Fuji CG had the scrotometer soaring into triple figures, making for an uncomfortable day. Chuck lost the toss and the usual suspects Burke and Shearer strapped on the plast...sorry, pads and strode out to battle. Wyverns openers Giles-Jones and Hanada were as tight as a fish's a**hole, conceding 1 run in 3 overs. Things continued slowly and not so surely for a while, til a bowling change or two allowed our lads to ratchet up the tension. From 2/over we were soon up towards 4, and were treated to a timely return to form for Mr Burke.

Take nothing away from that lumbering lump of love at the other end (Jarrad's 31 set up the innings) but Steve Burke looked like the man who once made 350 runs in a month. His middling was even more than Very Middle. Twice fieldsman were sent jungle-bashing, with one monstrous 6 wide of long-off still MIA. Balls were elegantly and powerfully spanked left right and centre, with one blow belting a bloke fielding 30 metres from the bat, a skull crunching sound resonating around Shizuoka Prefecture.

With the score around 75, The Big Grumpasaurus was bowled by a fully, round the legs. Like Mike Gatting, he had the look of a man that's found out the wrong way that Miss #28 isn't actually a miss. Pleasingly, he exited the ground without playing Kick The Stumps.

Courtney Jones joined Burkey and slapped around a run a ball quarter century. Morty was next cab off the rank, he too launching his way to a quarter century. In seasons past, Steve Burke would score a 50 every second dig, but this year it took him 8 (OK, so 49* chasing 94 isn't bad). A half-century in a Grand Final as an opener sets a team up for a big day, and his dismissal (60-odd) brought about Bish Big Day Out.

"This is ready to go?" Bish asked, swapping his beloved Blackberry for the new club bat.

A wee push for a single, just to test the willow we suspect, then the Bish went swish. He set about the Wyverns' change bowlers like Morty at a buffet: gimme more. Easy as she goes, off the pads, over the ropes. Yep, the new bat is ready to go. A tough diving chance went to ground, and Bish went to town.His partnership with Morty was as memorable as last time the pair batted, every bit as spectacular, but far more successful. Morty had the confidence of a man who has Ginza hostess lining up to shag him, and thought he could out bash The Bish. A few choice words of fluent Japanese from that big Japan Fan, Bish, saw the lanky Pom settle.

Daijobu. Bish lifts another one of his legs for six and leans contemptously on his bat. No need to run Morty. Daijobu.

Runs on the board, wickets in hand, a man well in the zone: a situation made for Pup, who replaced Morty. From our pedestrian 2 an over beginning, we were now well on the way to a 200+ score, and Pup thought he'd help things along. Not wishing to compare our lad to that muppet Mal Loye, but Pup did go down on one knee and slog sweep Pat for 6.

A few more Bish Lean-tos, a vital single to Rhino and we had racked up a grand Grand Final total of 246 for the loss of 5 wickets. Bish's explosive dig of 65* came from about 40 balls, and has replaced Tugga as the benchmark for a mid-innings lashing.

The opening bowlers were given clear, explicit instructions (the only kind you can give to bowlers I suppose....if you want them to understand them) and followed the to the letter. Dictating the terms to a class act like Gavin Beath is a challenge, but me and Morty will reckon we did just that. Though no real chance or even half chances were offered, the corridorability, backed up by diligent fielding saw Gavin wondering where the runs would come from.

His partner Chino provides him a confidence building crutch, and has oft been a thorn in our side. That crutch was ripped away in the 5th over by a blinding display of athleticism by that consumate and complete athlete, Paul Shackleford. Cutting at one of my wider offerings, Chino sent to the ball hurtling towards the ground. Fielding at gully, the young man from Wyhalla dived low and thrust out the right, plucking the cherry in its downward trajectory and completed one of those 1%er catches that can make the difference between a season won or a season wasted.

Number 3 Kawsar took a while to remove, surviving a stumping chance, the odd crayfish swipe, a big LB shout, a big caught behind shout, and a Hershelle Gibbs. With Gavin he compiled a 60-odd partnership, keeping Wyverns' hopes alive.

Despite a spell that was both economical (20 from 6) and fiery, Morty Death Stares was replaced by Pup. Standing at fine leg, I had a Zulu-esque moment, when the crow on the fence talked to me. Not too clued up in crow-speak, but I could tell the black bag of feathers was saying "Wicket, this ball." Pup threw out the wide one, Gavin chased it, and duly edged, gone for 34.

With the gun gone, the battle was going to be ours. Maidens either side of the main break by Rob Mann, and Wyverns were 50 runs adrift of the run rate, a massive 170 needed from the final 20 overs.

Six of those overs would come from the spell-binding fingers of one Jaideep Bedi. Bish weaved his usual magic web, alluding the bat as well as the keeper (who did bring out the teapot). Though they handled him better than his earlier Japanese adversaries, Bish still walked away with 1-20 from 8.

Cricket being the funny game that it is (and with all that 20-20 rubbish being played) Pat G-J was still capable of pulling a rabbit of out the Wyverns' hat, and until we had removed him, there could be no relaxing. After 20-odd runs of resistance, he pulled the Body Koolhoff, miscuing it back over the bowler's head. Running around from mid-on was Steven Burke, knowing that he owed the club one from an earlier Hersh (v Millenium. Today's Hersh was Rob Mann.). Burkey made the distance and made no mistake, rolling around like a tin can for effect.

Chuck brought himself on and combined with Big Al (2 catches) to get amongst the action. Things petered out in the final few overs, Chuck dropping donkeys, tail enders boosting their averages. Not wrapping up the tail was a disappointment, but the game, and with it the season was well and truly won. The winning margin a comfortable 80 runs (thereabouts.)

Pat's miserly spell won him Wyverns' Best on Ground. Shax's uber-catch won him some Hardys too, with Bish taking out the Man Of The Match. Beers flowed, shit was shot, the Grand Final Champagne bukkaked. Rhino upset the field in the (approx)100metre dash. (Chuck's Ben Johnson salute cost him Gold.)

As usual we piled into the van, loaded it up with piss, and then stunned the staff at McDonalds by ordering, wait for it...BIG MACS! Who'd have thought......

I really don't know what went on back-van, as for most of the journey, I had a rear-view mirror full of Chuck's back. Deep down, I know it got ugly back there. Stacks-on-the-mill not seen since the Saints left Moorabin.

Unspeakable acts. Home videos. Eski crushing, garbage spraying, boisterous testosterone fueled shenanigans. 1 dis-loctaed finger. 1 dickey-knee. 1 bung ankle/foot by the "Leash Man" Luke Ray. (Jumping off the roof in thongs? Marvelous idea.) 1 dead phone. Perhaps some of this will surface on You-Tube?

While we look forward to a couple of weeks off, we still have to round out the season by defending the Hardys Ashes and the Pacific Cup. To finish the J1C undefeated is a marvellous effort, befitting the work we have put in again.

Thanks to the JCA and J1C committee(s); to all our oppositions; to our supporters here and abroad; to the match day umpire Anton and Neil, thanks to you all.

Thanks of course to Hardys, our sponsors for 6 years now. Your support makes a huge difference to our Club.

We are proud to have done the job.

>>> Video - Champagne
>>> Video - 100m Sprint

PARTNERS FROM PERTH BOOK WOMMIES' FINAL BERTH
by Ian Gason
>>>Match Scorecard vs Ichihara Sharks

Tokyo Wombats booked themselves a fourth consecutive Grand Final appearance by convincingly defeating Ichihara Sharks by 9 wickets at Fuji Sunday. A strong late order batting performance took Ichihara to 173, but a 150 run partnership by Shearer and Jones saw us home in the 31st over.

The day actually began many days ago, with some earnest discussions about the choice of ground for the 1v4 semi, the appointment of umpires, the usual random ramblings from the Japan Weather Blokes, the state of the grounds, the price of fish. One mug even went as far as tracking down sawdust. U-beaut Bunnings-style multi-acre home centre? Forget it. Dodgy little corner shop trading illegal wildlife? Bingo......

Morty delayed the Wombat departure by walking out the front door thinking "What's that large bag of cricket gear doing there by my front door I wonder?" Luckily the road was free of traffic, allowing the (once) trusted driver to finally break the 1 hour mark for the Tomei. Perhaps it wasn't the green curry that had the skip nearly shitting his pants after all......

Back from his 6 week WA fishing adventure, Courtney Jones won the toss and opted for a trundle. In the warm-up, Big Al became the first man to bleed for the Wombats on match day, and the claret on his whites highlighted the fact that our whites just aren't white enough.

5 minutes before start time, someone finally asked, "Where's Reggie?"No, we hadn't left him at Harajuku. Uncle Reginald was enjoying a leisurely Sunday drive, straw hat and AM radio on, in his little red Sillicar.

10 Wombats took the field, 2 Sharks manned the middle and the battle was on. Me and Morty gave the Wombats the upper hand, probing the Sharks corridors, and keeping them down to a run an over. Morty was unlucky not get a wicket when an edge flew, Dino flew, and Burkey couldn't hold the deflected chance. The lack of wickets didn't worry the Wombats as dot after dot ate away at the Ichihara innings. Our first spells were Morty 13 runs from 6 overs and me 14 from 8.

Pup came on at the nets end, and despite much huffing and puffing, but couldn't blow the Sharks house down. Grunting like a C-grade porn star (do stick flicks have grades, Roscoe?), the Crow Eater's pace harked back to his leaner, more athletic days.

A Rhino to Dino run out broke the partnership, but also the shackles as the fluent Dhugal Beddingfield entered the fray. After cracking a couple of boundaries off Shax from the car park end, he flicked The Body Koolhoff off his hips. Yours truly ran in from fine leg, threw in a slide for effect and grabbed the prize wicket inches from the ground.

Sharks accelerated after drinks. The Big Skip, Chris Thurgate was asked to lead by example again, and so he did. He was lucky not to be caught off Bish's bowling. An edge flew over the keeper and leg slip Alex Koolhoff ran in and......and watched. Perhaps the damage to his dexterous digits explains his reluctance to hurl his athletic Body at the ball? (Perhaps fearing 110kgs of Dinosaur does?)

The skip said thanks and went on to compile a 40+ knock, and take out the Hardys Best on Ground for the Sharks. He was supported in his efforts by Apu, who shelved the big shots but was caught behind off Bish, and by Shu, another Bish victim, stumped.

The death bowling was entrusted to Pup and Morty. Pup grabbed some late wickets, Morty used the short ball to good effect against Chris. Sharks finished on a healthy 173, far more than they had looked like getting at the 15 over stage. Would the momentum carry them home?

The Sharks' hopes were soon up, when on 6, Steve Burke gloved down leg where Sharks' nucleus Thurgate held a sharp, low chance. A bloody confident LB shout on incoming skipper C Jones went the batsman's way, and from then on in Sharks had little to shout about.

Although Chuck is on record as saying (of Jarrad) "I'd rather bat with your wife," the two West Australians settled in and set about compiling the 2nd highest partnership in Wombat history (156*).

Doogs and Mossop were busting their guts for their team, but couldn't dislodge the pair. Replacing Doogs with Thurlow looked questionable when he was smeared for 16 runs in his first over, but responded with some tight bowling thereafter.

A quick single to backward square almost had Jarrad, but the return was high, allowing the big man to lumber home safely. Chuck's slog-sweep was a weeeee bit rusty, coming off about 1 in 15 times. One bobbled up towards leg-slip, but the man there couldn't get back. The runs came apace nonetheless.

From the start, Dino got re-acquainted with the middle of the bat, and was finding the gaps more or less at will. I'd reckon he had more good pulls than even perrenial pipe-cleaner Pup'd have in a week.

With about 80 needed after drinks, I stirred the two saying "get 'em in 30" which Jarrad brushed off as "typical bowlers'" talk. Well, I was almost right. Bill Smith's tight spell went a way to keeping them in check, but our vets still found enough loose balls to get the rate ticking upwards. With the likes of Bish, Morty and Pup in the shed, it was wickets or nothing for the Sharks. Despite some bowling changes and a more attacking field, it was nothing.

Chuck's slog sweep ratio moved up to 1:9. There was nothing slog-like about two of his shots over mid-wicket that nailed the lid shut on the Sharks, though. To use Bollywood Gulzar's expression, "Very Middle" they were. A quick step down the track, picked up and sent way back over the greenery, over the track and down into the river bank. The cricketing equivalent of a Byron Pickett hit. Twice. In one over.

A couple of fresh-air swings by Chuck took the game into the 31st over, where 4 wides and a 4 from the Dino blade sealed the game.

Despite Dino's excellent performance -both side of the stumps- NOTHING can excuse those leopard print boxer shorts. (But at least it was better than the sight of "an elephant eating a bag of straw," as Chuck described it.). The 4 semi final teams lingered (at least til Jarrad's flashing scared 'em off). Hardys was doled out, to Chris, "Very Middle" Jones and a wicketless yours truly. Like dealing with 5 year olds, I finally worked out how to get the Wombats on the van: "Who wants McDonalds?"

The view from the front seat was nay pretty. In front, the moronic Japanese 20km ramen queue had Bish screaming "FREAKS" (rightly so, mate.). Backstage, Dino leaping around shouting "Give ush a kish, Bish. AAAawww go on...you know you WANNIT!!!" Challenges were issued: 100m, 1500m, speed chess, long-dong, full contact tiddly-winks......

Thanks to all Sharks for a good fight, and to MAX's Kobayashi, for an excellent umpiring effort.

Next week: Wombats v Wyverns, Grand Final.

MILLENIUM BISH-WHACKED BY RAMPANT RHINOSAUR
by Ian Gason
>>>Match Scorecard vs Millenium

Tokyo Wombats enter the business end of the season with a 5 from 5 record after recording another emphatic win, this time over nemesis Millennium. Much like the season in general, the game began with a stumble and finished with a flourish, with Ryan and Bish taking centre stage.

With one eye possibly on a permanent gig, stand-in skip, Steven Burke dragged the Wommies out of their "Roll 'em & chase" comfort zone and opted to bat. (Hope he doesn't try any Buchanan boot camps next...)

The opening combo of Burkenshearer scratched around like a pair of chooks, under some dot-laced pressure bowling, managing just 12 scoring shots in the first 10 overs. After 5 overs apiece, Alex and Razzaq had nonefa 18 and 8 respectively, and respectably.

A change of bowler saw a change of tempo as runs began to flow. Unfortunately it also saw a change of batsmen as the skip (15) dragged a wide one back onto his woodwork. Enter Bish, the first left hand bat in the club's history. Off with a single, followed by a second ball 6, effortlessly flicked off his pads over square. The Bishter took 8 balls to register his first dot, never looking troubled. Jarrad ditched the chook suit and joined in the merriment, whacking a few boundaries of his own. (One theory was that he'd heard about the Bish/Morty incident and was doing anything he could do to avoid running.)

At drinks Mr Bedi confessed a peculiar kind of homesickness. "It's boring out there. No-one's calling me a curry-muncher or anything." Wombats self-sledging didn't help however, as Bish was gone on 24 in the 1st over after drinks, flicking one to square leg.

Mark Ainslie whipped out his Kahuna but was quickly prematurely ejectulated from proceedings, via a late call for a homicidal run from Jarrad that defies explanation. Japanese are known for U-beaut gadgets, anime porn and high standards of fielding, and J-veteran Alex Miyaji duly hit from side on, stranding Pup 100 runs short of his maiden century.

When debutant Ross fell getting a leading edge, we'd lost 3/15 in 6 overs, and Bish was deeply engrossed in the latest Harry Potter book. In the middle it was Millennium's Munir doing the magic, Wombats under a spell. Slapping David Davies half-tracker pies is one thing, but how would happy-go-lucky Rhino handle an old pro like Munir?

As fellow Queenslander Joh would have said, "Don't you worry about that!". The Rhinocerus handled Munir with care and consideration, leaving most, grabbing the odd single, and later the odd boundary. With 127 on the board, The Dinosaur (54) was caught going down-town in the 33rd. With a motley assortment of wannabes to come, the question was how much is enough. Me and rhino added 16 in even time, and I must confess I was particularly fond of my slog-slap off Munir for 6. I made way for Reggie and the predicted fireworks finally arrived. The pair added a brisk 40 in 4 overs. Could Rhino be a Bev? (Has he ever stuffed his pads and bat down a toilet I wonder?) After almost an hour at the crease, the Rhino was hurting, but he forced his more glamourous partner to run hard. Having paced the Wombats for 10 overs, he enlivened proceedings with a superb display of back foot batting. He carved up Japan's opening bowler, Alex Miyaji's last 2 overs for 31 runs, including 3 4s in a row.

Run-out #2 is up on google video already (Rhino's run out). Reggie ran 1. Rhino (39) attempted a 2nd, and was sent back, running almost 3 lengths of the pitch. Only 2 balls remained so the damage was minimal. Axe chopped out his first ball for 4, then single to take the Wombats to a defendable 188. Despite being cellar dwellers, Millennium could still leap-frog Ichihara by getting the mysterious Bonus Point. Someone seemed to know the BP rules, and rumour was the magic number was 32 overs.

My first over was reminiscent of years gone past, when an un-named wicket keeper (and slips) would routinely drop a catch off my first over. But it was not Jarrad this time, it was Axe fluffing the hershelle, with Millennium 1.

In one of the more bizarre starts to an innings, Millennium raced to 35 in 4 overs, 16 of those from Pup's first over, while my 2 overs produced 4 dropped catches. The ever reliable Steven Burke was Tuffnell-esque at mid-on, dropping a dead-set dolly. (Don't try to edit this Burkey!). Munir skied a slow ball towards Killer at mid-off, where it eventually swirled its way to the ground. Matsuhisa got his 3rd life slashing a wide one towards Reggie at point.

Fortunately Munir (25 from 16) was in no mood to slow down (or learn his lesson it would seem) and skied the same slow ball to Killer again. The man from Manly looked like he was suffering the bed-spins, but somehow, defying most predictions, stuck his paw in the right spot for Hardys U-beaut catch of the day.

Matsuhisa's luck ran out on 8, LB to Pup. Millennium losing 2 for 1. Fuji and Ohta added 15 before Ohta fell for my "2 slower balls in a row" trick. Killer came on and grabbed Rizzie in his first over, the big beard playing a lazy slash.

Bish was introduced into the attack. Or perhaps was should say, Millennium was introduced to Bish. Fuji coped as best he could, but the Sikh from Elsternwick was too much for the rest. A sharp stumping from Axe on 74 was 5 for the Wommies. Perhaps no-one told Razzaq to forget the Bonus Point. He nonchalantly lofted Bish into the wind, where a waiting Pup made no mistake. Golden Duck, thanks for coming. No hat-trick, but a double-wicket maiden, 2/2.

The boy from Ballarat, Ross Ferris had a forgettable debut, 3 runs and almost becoming the first Wombats' fatality. Down in cow-corner, the man with the chainsaw snore was feeling queasy, but a little thing like dropping dead won't scare a Victorian. "She'll be right. Almost drinks," he said, handling his diabetics his own way.

Umpires called early drinks. Jarrad called Etsuko for hospital and/or ambulance advice. A bottle of Coke and a pack of chockie-coated raisins did the trick, and the game went on with out him. (He was resting, not dead.)Mikutsu was looking alright til a murderous quick single call. After hitting the stumps, I celebrated with a combination Morty Sprint/Double Lleyton fisty pump that over-shadowed the run out itself.

Only rain could save Millennium now. To his credit, Alex continued to bat with intent (perhaps hoping for a sudden downpour) with two crisp boundaries off the hips. Attempting a third, he top-edged to Axe. Bish penetrated Terayama's defences for his third 3fa in his third game.

Having entered the fray in the fifth, #3 and regular source of Wombat frustration Tetsuo Fuji finally fell hooking Reggie where Bish ran in from fine leg to take a nice catch. Millennium all out an even 100. Fortunately, Ross was still breathing when we went to check on him, and better yet, was soon self-prescribing the Yebisu.

Hardys best on ground for Millennium went to Alex Miyaji for his sharp fielding and ketchi opening overs. A 50th game 50 couldn't get Dino amongst the vino, as our Hardys went to Rhino.

With Bish (shink) and Dino (China) not vanning it was a quiet affair back to Tokes, the eski surviving its 3rd game. O-bon cluster-f**k never happened. Killer was his usual educational but slack-bladdered self. Why living in Manly gives you good eye-sight, I still don't quite understand, and I still have a way to go to fully understanding the dynamics of a tsunami. And if anyone sees a "West Coast Bus" loaded up full of smiling, waving J-chix, please email the Club.

Thanks to Ichihara's Paul and Bill for top officiation.

CURLY TAKES THE WOMBATS HOME
by Chris Mortimer
>>>Match Scorecard vs Fuji Far East

In this fickle game of leather and willow, what a difference a week makes. Less than seven days ago, TWCC’s opening bowler and resident sweepstake compiler Ian Gason highlighted the plight of cricket’s less celebrated species on these very pages. In low-scoring games, he lamented, ‘Hard working bowlers bundle out a side for 100. Relaxed and confident, the opening bat strokes a cool 50, and steals all the headlines.�E Fast forward a week. Gason, at the top of a makeshift Wombats batting line-up, lifts a leg-stump half volley over the ropes at mid-wicket to complete a nine-wicket victory over Fuji Far East, and to propel his personal tally over fifty. His stylish contribution typified a clinical Wombats performance, their fourth consecutive J1C victory. The adjectives 'relaxed' and 'confident' would come to mind.

Indeed, although the emphatic win represented business as usual for the Wombats in 2007, the XI which gathered at Harajuku on Sunday morning took on a somewhat unfamiliar look. Shorn for the first time in history of stalwarts Jones and Shearer, Steven Burke, relieved of child-minding duties, took up the reigns of captaincy. Meanwhile Bish Bedi, finally back from a stint in New York, called shotgun and relieved the stand-in captain of his traditional spot in the passenger seat. As Burke came to terms with two hours on the Tomei next to Alex Koolhof, embarking on a bizarre mission to get through the whole day without once answering a call of nature, Bish made himself comfortable in alongside Gason. It was fitting that the pair should occupy the front seats as the two would go on to drive TWCC to a resounding nine-wicket triumph.

Burke won the toss and made the decision to insert the opposition, causing some consternation amongst a Wombats bowling attack - containing more than one hungover member - hardly savouring the prospect of toiling away in 35 degree heat. But Burke had hatched a plan to skittle Fuji's all Japanese batting line-up with a view to pursuing a modest total and relieving pressure on the Wombats depleted Wombats batting resources. It was a plan that would work like clockwork.

Predictably the new ball was entrusted to the metronomic Gason, who obliged with typically tight opening over. Gason's opening partner on the day came as more of a surprise, as Luke Ray got preceedings underway from the Fuji end. Ray, operating on his traditional zero hours sleep, was unable to exact Gason's degree of control with his flighted tweekers, and conceeded a brace of boundaries to Fuji's opener Takahashi, who played with a confidence and assuredness seldom seen in Japan's cricketers. The spinner was withdrawn from the attack in favour of Mortimer, in similarly suspect physical condition having misguidledy feasted on the remants of last night's Chinese takeaway that morning. Nevertheless, Mortimer (6-0-16-0) and Gason (5-1-12-0) once again operated well in tandem, stemmed the early flow of runs, and took a grip on the game that the Wombats would not release.

'Check if the batsmam's got a pulse!' Sledged Gason from fine leg. With the the first of three drinks breaks approaching, the Fuji innings had entered into one of those periods of inactivity which frequently occur when Japanese batters are faced with disciplined bowling. Takahashi, having exhibited a number of attractive strokes, experienced difficulty in adjusting to the angles presented by Mortimer's left-arm seam, and was becalmed. For Japanese batting line-ups to build more competitive totals, it is obvious that they must learn how to pick up singles, rotate the strike, and generally go about approaching batting in a more positive manner. Gason's commentary, in both English and Japanese, kept the Wombats bouyant. Although one particular chime 'Let's keep these two on ducks', after two new batters had taken successive singles, had a few Wombats scratching their heads.

As the Fuji innings meandered to a total of 73, Burke - marshalling the troops from the unfamiliar position of mid-off - worked through his bowling options. Bedi (8-4-11-3) replaced Gason and, in an eight-over spell which elicited turn and bounce without a jellybean in sight, he picked up three wickets and the man of the match award. The tall off-spinner succeeded in striking up a rapport with stand-in gloveman Rob Mann, and, possibly with one eye on the footie scores, worked through his overs at remarkable speed. Though Bedi bowled with chracteristic control and poise, the occasional cry of anguish betrayed the high standards that he expects of himself. An insistence on checking the man of the match photo would suggest he takes those standards off the field too. 'It's not too Bollywood', he commented, bottle of Hardy's finest in hand.

Burke was embarassed for riches, and with Fuji's lower order exposed, he had yet to turn to TWCC's primary exponent of swing bowling, Koolhof (7-2-6-2), or the wily spinner Shackleford (6-2-11-4). The Body replaced Mortimer and, assisted by some enthusiastic ball polishing in the Wombats ring, immediately extracted prodigious swing with his notoriously dextrous digits. The Tazmanian is enjoying something of a renaissaance after a quiet start to the JIC season and beat the Fuji outside edge seemingly at will. Meanwhile, budding photographer Paul Shackleford was brought into the attack after Bedi's masterclass. What TWCC's elder statesmen lacks in rotations imparted on the ball, he more than makes up for in experience. Shackleford held his nerve when hit for two fours in quick succession over cover, and after a consultation with the skipper and a slight field adjustment, he tempted the batsman into the same shot. A wombat gobbled up the catch in the deep. Such guile garnered him four wickets.

Fuji's batting performance lacked impetus and fully tested fielders' concentration levels on a scorching day. TWCC's charges were up to the task, however, and underlined their will to win with three spectacular catches. First France, prowling inside the ring at cover, dived to his left to to courageously jam his fingers under a powerful drive off Bedi. Occuring in the early stages of the Fuji innings, the catch kick-started the Wombats' fielding effort, and quite rightly secured Rhino 'Play of the Day' honours and a bottle of booze. Next Luke Ray, loitering with intent at short fine leg during Bedi's immaculate spell, threw himself forward and extended his arms to snatch a top edge off the turf. 'The Freak is back' celebrated the Wombats. Finally, to close the innings, Mortimer unravelled his gadget left arm to pluck an edge out of the sky at second slip off the lively bowling of Dawson. Captain Burke was delighted by the Wombats fielding effort, the fruit of long hours of practice at Shinagawa.

Having picked up the tenth wicket, Dawson consumed a nutritional snack and strapped the pads on to take on the Fuji attack with Gason (53*). Although Dawson would succumb on 13, Gason constructed a gem of an innings, and with further support from number three batter France (5*), would seal victory for the Wombats. Gason was circumspect to begin with, but visibly grew in confidence, ran aggressively between the wickets, and went on to display an array of attacking shots. In a memorable exhibition of clean hitting he racked up 53 at more than a run a ball, culminating in a glorious strike over mid-wicket for six to propel TWCC over the finish line and himself to his maiden half century.

Burke offered to take on driving duties in order for for Gason to be able to celebrate his performance in the time-honoured fashion, but Gason would not renege on his commitment. Indeed it was only fitting that it would be Curly who would take the Wombats home, a suitable metaphor for the game itself. Gason directed discussion from the front seat, and following the customary highlights, the Wombats discussed nightmare jobs and built their ideal woman. Traffic was heavy and Koolhof began to regret his decision to hold out during the day. 'Alexander needs to take piddle' he muttered, sheepishly.

RETURN OF THE VIOLET CRUMBLES: WICKETS TUMBLE, WOMBATS HUMBLED
by Ian Gason

How many times have you seen it? Hard working bowlers bundle out a side for 100. Relaxed and confident, the opening bat strokes a cool 50, and steal all the headlines (editor: this report was written by a bowler). Yesterday at YCAC, the day belonged cricket's lesser being, the bowlers, but the defining moment on which the match turned, belonged to a batsmen.

"Six And Out" is not only the shitty name for Bollywood wannabe Brett Lee's shitty band, but the 11th way a batsman can be dismissed. The 12th is simply "Out" and you don't even get the 6. Small reward for clearing a 20metre fence at wide long-on.

Wombats battle began in New York, with Bish Bedi detained by his employer ("Free Bish T-shirts on sale Wednesday). And continued in the 'pong, with 10th and 11th men Kyal and Gavin waylaid by the bevvie. Eventually, when the rain cleared, Pup was beaten in the toss-off and Wombats went out for a trundle. Me and Morty kept the Yokohama openers to 3 an over, but when acting skip brought himself on from the tin-shed end, the bats were invited to have a go at the "joke bowler" and were soon up around 5/over.

A quick talking to from yours truly seemed to do the trick. Two words Pup: "Full and straight." (OK, 3.....) The rotund show-pony seemed to remember that pies were for eating not throwing, and unleashed a spell which we will be hearing about as long as he lives: the first Wombat 6fa. It began a string of LBs and continued with some castle-rattling. And should have been a 7fa.....

It was great to have Richard Cosway back in Wombat colours for the day. Life in Shark-land has been good to Cossie, opening the batting and all. Sadly he seems to have attended one too many seminars on "Fielding The Ichihara Way." YCAC's demon-drinker Kiwi air-mailed a gift to mid-on, hit with all the feroucity and menace of a cucumber sandwich. An offering so simple that even John Howard might have caught it, and if he hadn't, even Honest John would admit there was nothing difficult about it at all. And yet, Chunky has raised the possibility that The Herschelle Gibbs Award may leave Wombat HQ.

Big Al Koolhoff took over at the tin-shed end and wrapped up the tail. 4/5 from as many overs, including a smart caught and bowled. Half way through his spell, The Dutchman for some reason wanted to remind us that he was on a hat-trick from the last match. Equally bizarre behaviour from Killer at extra cover, when with 9 wickets down, all Wombats were focused on closing the innings, "Is that a butterfly on the net up there?"

Anyway 118 to get. Pup'll be dining out on his 6fa for a while, and won't be paying for many drinks when Chunky's there either. Special mention for Kyal Hill, for turing up within 2 hours of the start time.

One body short, the suggestion was made that Papa Burke leave the rug-rats with the lasses and slog for a few overs, but made some feeble excuses about having a case of tickeritis or something.

Reggie opened with Dino and the pair looked solid if not fluent. YCAC's openers were as tight as nun's nasty, keeping us down to 2 an over. Reggie was eventually undone by a sharp piece of fielding by YCAC's best on ground Kamran. Reggie called a quick single to mid-on, and Kamran picked up and threw across his body to clip the top of the woodwork, no third umpire needed. Morty (oh, by the way, you can use my bat, Morty) and Dino continued through to nigh on drinks, upping the run-rate and making a first Wombat win at YCAC seem likely. Morty however mis-timed a drive and drinks came 2 balls early.

Pup batted like the slim young man that we remember from a year ago, confident and aggressive. After Dino's dismissal, he teamed up with Rhino, who has taken over from Doc so well he might consider a trip to Hong Kong or Hatsudai, and that pair took us through to 94, and victory seemed safe.Then it happened. Pup got his meaty Kahuna and his Cosgrove-esque weight behind a Mark Ferris delivery, launching the leather long and lustily, wide of the street fence towards the kiddie's playground, once -and rightly so- considered fair game for batsmen. But for an extra inch of netting, that would have been 100 for the Wombats. Instead the skip was walking.Like September in Geelong, it all went wrong.

Wombats middle and tail made like an Albanian pyramid scheme. The last 6 wickets fell for 15 runs. The only redeeming feature was a few blows from the blade of The Body Koolhoff, shaking of his earlier complaints that "every time I have to go out and bat I'm under pressure."

So close and yet so far. The Big Book Of Excuses can't be dipped into: we could have and should have won, but were out bowled by YCAC.

Hardys B.O.G.'s went to Kamran for YCAC, and I think maybe Pup got ours. Big Al's c&b got him amongst the vino, too. Both teams sat around and got bladdered, enjoying the rare spectacle of a gaggle of gals supporting the Wombats. They joined in the highlights, and our Prez was high-lightized for being "BIG AND NICE."

There was plenty of big&nice jugs at YCAC that evening. Beer, that is. Big jugs of beer, nice and cold. Both teams enjoyed the big and nice jugs, and were last seen teaching the lasses the proper technique for holding and controlling balls. Lawn bowls balls, that is.

SUCCESSFUL PRACTISE MATCH ENJOYED BY ALL
by Ian Gason

On a muggy Sunday afternoon typical of Japan's rainy season, Wombats and Dragons locked horns in a practise match at Fuji, with Wombats' total of 259 enough to see them home safely.

With Wombats Tim Whisker, Roy O', Dr B Luv, Killer, Axe, The Freak, Porky Pup Ainslie, Jay Bedi, and the veteran Mr Shaxx all unavailable, the Wombats dragged along an oyster salesman called Franco and a drunk Canadian called Gavin. The Body Koolhoff delayed the departure after a night of over-indulging in Hardys, but once we got past a squashed scooter rider, it was plain sailing. Except for The Body's fouling the air, that is.

Chuck won the tossing, and opted to bat. Burkey and Dinosaur opened and put on a 40-something stand. Dino survived one appallingly simply dropped catch at point off the bowling of David Davies. Not long after, the Big Man from South of the Swan feathered an edge to the gloveman, and didn't hesitate in walking. Regrettably his departing in this manner earned him no respect from the bowler who may have suggested he go and relax on that chair over there.C Jones entered the fray and had no trouble with the bowling of DDavis, except for finding an adjective other than 'crap' to repeatedly describe it.

Steve Burke's 40-odd came to an end off the same bowler via a leading edge. Wombats' leading competitive eater Chris Morty came in and combined for a 100+ partnership. If our Pom eats like he bats- hunger, concentration, technique and endurance- he will surely take out the Morty "eat more than anyone" Challenge.

The partnership was not without controversy. Wombat skip was ruled not out, despite the 11 fieldsmen appealling. It was finally ended in the 34th over, Morty caught 2 short of his half century. Chuck and Rhino France added 40 in 4 overs. The Dragons were keen to keep Rhino on strike, and Rhino liked it that way too, spanking 4 boundaries and plundering 20 runs off 1 Davies over. Chuck was caught deep. Rhino, Reggie and Kyal, now awake, took us through to 5/259.

Younis was the pick off the Dragons' bowlers, plying a line outside off to a 7-2 field. He finished with 1-32 from 8.

Wombats started reasonably well, having the opposition 1/0 at the end of the 2nd, Morty looking to add to his wine collection. The 2nd wicket wouldn't have produced 45 runs had Kyal and Dino not engaged in a game of "I want to win The Hershcelle". Both spilled sitters so bad Ray Charles would have taken 'em. One handed.

Another Morty wicket was followed by another Morty wicket, Dragons 3/46. David Davies came out, took forever to take guard, played several pre-meditated forward defences. His prancing and preening between every ball dragged his 7-ball, 2-run innings out forever. After the amount of time that had gone into his field placings earlier, we were on course for night finish until Reggie knocked his middle peg out of the ground.

Younis (36) ably supported opener Graeme (64) through the next 20 overs, Graeme taking some risks going aerial, until Big Al Koolhoff got his first wicket since March. Younis was next to go, caught napping by Kyal (how ironic is that...) whose direct hit from square leg proved that if you snooze, you lose.

Anyway, except for Morty pulling off a Paul Collingwood style grab at slip, things kind of petered out from there. The Japanese on Fuji II had even packed up and left, hanseikai and all, it was getting that late. Owls came out, and Franco rolled the arm over, with all the accuracy of Matthew Richardson kicking for goal. Four memorable overs, 1 stumping, a wide or 6, donkey drops, beam-balls, no-balls, an 11 year old scoring 3*..... One with the lot.

Dragons chase of 9/195 a good effort, and both side will take some positives into their next league fixtures. The passion shown on the field in the heat of the day was left on the field and in the cool moonlit evening, Hardys awards went to Morty, Graeme (Dragons) and Kyal.

Tomei traffic was incredibly light, allowing us to fly thru the highway in just over an hour, resulting in a large number of unopened drinks back at Harajuku. There was still enough time for a lengthy disucssion by Kyal on the merits of sharing with mates, and a other assorted juvenile gutter gossip. A vocabulary building excercise - not one from the Berlitz manuals - saw club Prez Jarrad unable to come up with even one word for "sexual intercourse."

Thanks to Dragons skip Andy for organising the fixture.

WOMBATS DISSECT EMBASSY TO BID FAREWELL TO DOC
by Chris Mortimer
>>>Match Scorecard vs British Embassy)

'Get me my Ipod' screamed Pacific League J1C debutant, Jaideep Bedi, 'I had enough talk of gangbangs!'

The Wombats' newest recruit had scored the spacious door seat for the drive up the Tomei, but, finding himself in close proximity to TWCC's Mark Ainslie, took objection to the young Australian's standard Sunday morning gutter talk. Pup continued undeterred, whereas Bish tuned out and kicked back until Fuji. Bedi's outburst energised the usually sedate outbound journey and set the tone for an unforgettable day. With Oasis's Supersonic blaring through the vans' speakers, the Wombats pulled into Fuji aiming for a third consecutive JIC win.

Nothing escapes the TWCC statisticians and the encounter with British Embassy's motley crew of ambassadors, diplomats and attaches represented a personal landmark for two of the club's finest servants. Firstly, Bjorn 'Doc' Peterson would don the cap for the final time in a short but glorious Wombats career. Secondly, the appearance of skipper Courtney 'Chuck' Jones would be his 50th.

'50th ... birthday?' chirped a junior Wombat when the news was broken during the huddle, before receiving a swift clip round the ear from Chuck. The venerable captain had won the toss, had elected to field and was about to deliver his rallying call. With no runs, no wickets, and an hurrendous misjudgement at long-on, the occasion would appear to be a forgettable one on a personal level for the Wombats' bespectacled leader. Yet in his skilful manipulation of a bowling attack which embarrassed him for riches, and in his ruthless pursuit of TWCC's first ever ten-wicket victory, the skipper once again exhibited the personal qualities which any Wombat who has played under his tenure has come to know.

'He's gone the wrong way on the Shink', explained Club President and long-suffering gloveman Jarrad Shearer when questioned about the lateness of the match official. And it turned out the umpire was Japanese. It was Gason who got the game underway in earnest and the vice-social secretary embarked on a remarkable spell which would earn him the Hardy's Man of the Match award. Displaying the parsimony of the nominated match fee collector, and the stamina of a man who alledgedly hasn't touched a beer for a decade, the Quizmaster asked all the right questions and was rewarded with soccer match figures of two wickets for five runs. Mortimer, sweating out a night on the sauce in Shibuya, toiled away at the other end in a tight but wicketless spell. The result - after fifteen overs the run rate was hovering around one.

Indeed, the Embassy's batting was the complete anithesis of TWCC's discliplined performance with the ball. Although their burly Aussie opener, Anton, made some statements of intent, Embassy looked from the start a team defeated. Singles were missed, misscommunications occurred and only Simon with a doughty 33 in the middle order offered resistance of note. Anton asked for treatment for one point, although nobody knew what for. It cannot bode well for Japanese cricket that such a reputable club is struggling and the Embassy's plight contrasts sharply with the fortunes of the Wombats - who are more worried about breaking the news to talented cricketers that haven't been picked, than about getting eleven for the weekend.

'What's it like batting with Geoffrey Boycott?' sledged Pederson, embodying the prevailing mood. The Wombats sensed an early kill. The Doc was referring to Anton's beleaguered partner, who had been stuck on zero for 27 balls. Soon after, Doc swooped at midwicket and, to the astonishment of his teammates, cocked his arm over his shoulder, before throwing down the stumps from ten yards. Not bad for the man who can't throw overarm. Although, as fate would have it, Pedersen would not have the opportunity to wield the willow in his final TWCC appearance, the effortless class with which he executed that run out left his signature on the fixture.

The remainder of Embassy's innings witnessed Chuck working through his wide range of bowling options. Reggie replaced Mortimer and bowled with the confidence of a cricketer in fine form, whereas Ainslie at Gason's end exhibited his usual menacing pace. Then came the debutant, Bedi. 'Bish' plays with the aura of a cricketer who has mixed it with the best, and, as he phlegmatically positioned his field, the anticipation heightened as to what he would serve up. Channelling his thoughts away from Pup's randy banter, the off-spinner loped in and worked through his repertoire with poise and control, extracting turn and bounce, varying flight, and effectively employing a barely-disguised but arrow straight quicker ball. It was an education for the inexperienced Japanese batters in Embassy's lower order, one of whom was bowled by a cunningly flighted full toss which had Anton on his feet demanding 'no-ball' be called. Bedi put in a class performance and fully deserved his three wickets, demonstrating the potential to terrorise J1C batsmen as his namesake did in the Test arena. He could have it all - but how much does he want it?

A tweaker approaching the other end of his Wombats career is Paul Shackleford. Sporting blue footwear and a hefty bandage on knee protecting a gash sustained in fielding practice, the Embassy batters may have fancied some quick runs when the wily spinner was thrown the ball. But 'fresh' from Kobe, Shacks flighted the ball expertly, teasing three of Embassy's batsmen into submission. His 28 runs conceded include four from a classic Sydney Harbour Bridge effort by Doc, clearly not wanting to be forgotten, at long on. Meanwhile, Kyal 'Hamburger' Hill was brought into the attack from the Fuji end and continued on where he left off at Engineers with a wicket to wrap up the innings.

The Embassy batting effort, which spanned almost the full allocation of 40 overs, garned a mere 89 runs. However, it was illuminated by two pieces of fielding brilliance from Wombats player-coach, Steven Burke. First, displaying the remarkable agility and defying at least one of Newton's Laws, the prolific opening bat snaffled a sharp, low chance at slip off the bowling of Bedi. Think Matthew Hayden circa 2000. Not satisfied, Burkey leapt to his right after HIll found the outside edge, and contorted his body to pluck the ball out of the air as it sped towards third man, to take Embassy's tenth wicket. Think Mark Waugh circa 1995. Burkey gained a bottle of booze for his efforts.

But there was more. Was Burkey in a rush to get back to Tokyo? Child-minding duties perhaps? Whatever the motivation, as the Wombats commenced their pursuit of 90 to win, spectators were treated to a gem of an innings. The coach pinged a cover drive to the rope in the first over, and went on to exhibit a range of strokes all around the wicket. One highlight was a forcing shot / cut off the back foot powered over point for six - the kind of shot a club cricketer sees Ricky Ponting play on TV, and can only shake his head in awe, admiring the stroke and lamenting the fact he doesn't play on faster pitches. It emerged later that 'Stavros' had been locked in an email exchanged with his opening partner, Dino, during the week, with Burkey concerned about an apparent lack of form. Yet his batting was completely unworried. He looked a class apart.

'We don't deserve to finish the game!' proclaimed the Embassy skipper, as TWCC exceeded the target. And so it was decreed that the victory would go to the wombats although the game would continue for practice with a revised target. One couldn't help feeling sympathy for the Embassy players, tired and demoralised, with a hutch full of hungry batters with nothing to lose, looking to hit a couple of lusty blows before cracking open a cold one. And lusty they were, courtesy of the willow of Bish, Doc, Morty, and Hill. Pup struck three sixes, one mammoth pick-up to wrap up another win in the practice game, a timely reminder of his swashbuckling batting ability.

Back on the bus, the boys were feeling supersonic after a resounding team performance, and the beers flowed, as did the tributes - some sporting, others more mischievious - to our departing Wombat, Doc. Progress was slow on the Tomei and stops were frequent, inspite of Bish's protestations - 'Is this legal?!' Talk inevitably turned to realising the dream, a burning ambition which any Wombat who has been on the bus will be familiar with. In a U-turn of sorts, even Bish warmed to it, stating 'If someone leads, I will follow...'

WOMBATS KOBE TOUR - 2007 REPORT

KILLER DOES KOBE
by Bjorn Pederson

It's that time of the year again…, post-Kobe, and everyone is talking about the performance of the Wombats both on and off the field. Following last year's hugely successful event, anticipation was high for an even better tour, and as such 13 Wombats, 2 more than last year, ventured down to Kobe to realise this dream. Before starting on the Wombats performances, we should first pay commendations to Russell, Mick and Buckets for showing us the sights of Kobe on the Saturday night, and a special mention to Rob McKenna for his grand efforts (skulling beer this year without managing to throw up) at the izakaya that I am sure no gaijin will ever be allowed to enter again (but more on that later). These 4 Kobe boys certainly held their own against the more seasoned Wombat outfit, and we look forward to more of their number joining us on the town in future years. But what you've all been waiting for. Let's begin with the tour virgins.

Al "Pidge" Kooloff

Was obviously nervous on the shink down, feeling the pressure of his first Kobe tour. Quickly warmed up though with one too many renditions of "I like big butts and I cannot lie"…..including the dance moves… and was on fire by the time we lobbed in Osaka. Now goes by the nickname "Yellow Pages", for he certainly "let his fingers do the walking".. Now suspect he will be singing Alicia Keys songs instead. Rating: 8/10

Kyle "Cairnsey" Hill

Clearly came up with the worst nickname, but didn't let this deter him from an eventful Friday night. Let his opinions be known regarding the standard of DJ work at S&D's, which was appreciated by all. Seemed a bit lost without a bottle of JD by his side when in the presence of Wombats, but will be better for the run. Did a great job along with Rayos getting Killer into a taxi. Rating: 5.5/10

Tim "Hogan" Whisker

On his first and last Kobe tour, and leaving the country in only 2 weeks meant there were to be no excuses. Highlight of the weekend was certainly his dancing on the floor at Ryan's, while falling asleep at the gyoza shop at 5am on Saturday morning was an indication of the enormity of the Thursday night before. Got bombarded with skulls and double-skulls at the izakaya given the occasion, and performed admirably. Rating: 6/10

Luke "Punter" Ray

Nickname suggested he had his sights on the top job, but instead settled as off-field captain as he led the Wombats on a merry dance around the streets of Osaka early on Saturday morning. Chiang Mai practice served him well as he performed an all-nighter, and backed it up on the Saturday night with another gutsy performance. Second only to Killer in alcohol consumption, and last seen biting the captain's nipples. Rating: 6.5/10

Ian "cant remember his nickname cause he took the Jewish taxi to Kobe and not the shink" Gason

An as usual solid performance from Curly, although looked a little confused at times that the Wombats were playing cricket and he didn't have to drive somewhere. Progressed to skulling water at the highlights session rather than making the nominator skull, so perhaps there is a seachange on the horizon. Amazed the locals as he led a rendition of the club song on the stairs of an intersection in Kobe. Rating: 5.5/10

And now for the veterans:

Dave "Stockily" O'Carroll

Having escaped from Saitama, went hard on Friday night, and promised pre-game Saturday that he wasn't gonna drink too much that evening. Was maggoted by midnight. Did however keep true to his assertion not to have McDonalds for breakfast like last year. Fantastic performance in assisting the security guards escort Killer from S&D. Suffered at the hands of the blow-up mattress in the cock forest. Suspect Kobe has not seen the last of him. Rating: 5/10

Steven "Dodgeball" Burke

Another solid performance by Burkey, as he both led and nurtured the Wombats around Osaka. Went to the wrong S&D, which in hindsight may have been the right S&D, but was still seen wondering aimlessly around the streets of downtown Osaka in the early hours of the morning. Couldn't stand the heat of the tour and took an early shink ;). Rating: 5/10

Paul "Arkle" Shackleford

Bought a new digital camera for the trip, and was seen all over Kinki happily taking photos. Handled his skulls for his fine umpiring performance with aplomb, which should hold him in good stead for when the slamming session is organised to make use of the 1.175L bottle of vodka he won. The only blunder of the weekend was wearing a beige shirt with beige pants for a brief time on Saturday night. He had the foresight to quickly change once he realised this but surely will make a concerted challenge at Curly for Worst Dressed Wombat at the end of the year. Rating: 6/10

Bjorn "Mini-Boof" Pederson

Was always gonna struggle to repeat last year's performance, and getting completely hammered on the shink certainly did not improve his chances. Ended up spending hours in the streets of Osaka vomiting (and sleeping), while a local flicked a cigarette butt at him, resulting in a burn hole in the crotch of his jeans (at least that's his story how the hole got there). Did recover somewhat to lead the Wombats towards the dance floor on Saturday night at Ryan's, and was last seen wearing a plastic raincoat in the streets of Osaka. Perhaps knocking over the JD & Coke in the shink was a god-send. Rating: 6/10

Jarrad "Mr Cricket" Shearer

Unusually quiet performance from the President. Tried his best with the clientele (to help out the single blokes) at S&D, but by his own admission was always pushing shit up hill (i.e. they wouldn't have a bar of him). Did his best in the streets of Kobe early Sunday morning, but failed again. All this too after he got an "Entry ->" tattoo just above his arsecrack to improve his chances. Will be looking forward to a bigger and better tour next year. Rating: 5/10

Mark "Bing" Ainsley

Probably (ed: DEFINITELY) the main reason we were told to quieten down so many times on the shink. His two nights in Kobe were certainly at the opposite ends of the spectrum. Didn't manage to make it out of the KRAC Friday night, the effects of ¾ of a bottle of vodka taking their toll as he made it a South Australian quinella in the vomiting stakes. The second night was back to his usual self…. Nothing with a pulse was safe. Looked set for a huge total, but a 36 year old's marriage was more important. Succumbed to a Chinese massage and got his money's worth. Rating: 7.5/10

Courtney "DK" Jones

Seeing a new buzz cut on the man at Shinagawa told you he was set for a big weekend, and he did not disappoint. Apologised profusely, and often, to the shink cabin attendants for the degree of noise emanating from our end of the carriage. Woke Saturday morning wondering why he had sore nipples. Discovered the hard way that fresh lemon juice is no substitute for proper, laboratory tested eye drops, but at least his call of "Do the other eye!" gave him the opportunity for a second opinion. Somehow manages to back up day in day out. Rating: 7/10

And saving the best till last:

Mark "Afghan" Kelly

Words will not do justice to the weekend Killer had. But I'll do my best:

Sat 3am: Dragged out of S&D by bouncer, almost comatose.

4:30am: Falls asleep on the footbath outside the gyoza shop, but is revived by Curly as he drops cold water on his face.

5am: Does not heed the call of fellow Wombats to get in a taxi, as has plans to kick on in Osaka, but promptly falls asleep again

7am: Wakes up to find his wallet missing, and only his driver's licence, gaijin card and health care card in his pocket (which the thief had kindly removed from his wallet and placed in his pocket). Borrows money from a local and makes his way back to Kobe.

Lunchtime: Decides not to cancel his credit cards, because "They're Orstralian credit cards"

Twilight cricket game: More drinking

10pm: After some more punishment at the highlights session (with mates like the Wombats, who needs enemies?), falls asleep at the izakaya. After an hour of slumber, attempts to stand, leaving the rest of us thinking he may be getting ready to vomit, as he had a slightly pained look on his face. However, quickly falls asleep vertical, and Burkey asks him if he wants to go to the toilet. Next thing we know, the pained look has disappeared, the tension in his body has eased, as a GOLDEN puddle of urine slowly starts enlarges around his feet. Our first thoughts were not "Is he OK?".... no, no, no... our first thought was "GOLDEN THONG"!! Someone from the KRAC had the intuition to put a couple of empty beer bottles on the floor in a vain attempt to make it look as though we had spilled beer. Whoever you were, you were clearly too sober, but your invitation to MENSA is in the post.

Sun midnight: Carried into a taxi by Kyle and Luke, dreaming of the Golden Thong.

Rating: 9/10

WOMBATS HIT BACK TO ALMOST SNATCH CUP (Game 2)
by Courtney Jones
>>>Match Scorecard vs KRAC (Game 2)

Playing 2 games in 2 days was never going to be easy, especially with game 2 scheduled for a 9am start, but the Wombats manged to lift their weary, hungover bodies off the KRAC floor and to the ground on time. I don't remember who won the toss, maybe the Wombats because the first thing I was aware of was standing at gully with Luke bowling the first over of the day and if we won the toss I would have fielded.

Luke started with a maiden. Pup also began well if not a little down on his usual pace. It was warm and most of the Wombats were as dry as the lunar surface after the previous nites overconsumption so the vibe in the field was unusually mellow. Russel started where he finished the previous day by placing any bad ball between the fielders for 4 and Samir was smashing anything on the stumps out of the park. The high scoring ground and slpppy Wombats fielding saw KRAC move to 0-60 off 8 overs.

Another big score loomed but in the eternal words of Ray Parker Jnr. When your getting cained and it don't look good. Who ya gonna call? Bladderbuster! The 2007 Golden Thong winner did what he almost always does and produced a wicket immediately by enticing Samir to go for another six but instead top edging to Kyal at deep point for the easiest of catches. Buckets and Russel then played solidly until drinks to be 1-108. Drinks couldn't come around fast enough as my mouth felt like a desert and my tongue a sand dune.

Chuck and Whisk bowled after drinks and in the space of seven balls, what followed was possibly the worst display of missed catches ever. I say missed, not dropped because you have to get hands on the ball to actually call it dropped! Firstly, Alex at a square mid wicket used all his agility to get in the vicinity of a skied top edge that plonked to the gravel at sqaure leg. Next over, Whisk had a premonition that he would get a caught wicket in his over. Well, he could have had 4! A skied slog that went straight up and back to the bowler looked like our second wicket for sure as Whisk yelled "mine!" and raised his hands to the heavens to gobble the offering. Incredibly, the ball meekly plonked to the ground behind Whisk who blamed the sun for his miss. Next ball another skier to long on had Curly charging in way too fast and far off the boundary and he ended up watching the ball lob over his head and into the fence. Next up was Pup who simply didn't have the strength in his body or gumption to get to another top edge, this one to long off. The best miss was saved for last though as Luke at cow corner acrobatically threw himself through the air at something, I dunno what?, maybe a butterfly passing by because he launched himself away from the ball instead of toward it! Very funny stuff. Me and Kyal watching this botch job unfold off 6 balls from the other side of the ground could only deal with it in one way-with laughter!

Curly was given the job of bowling us through to the death and he did it beautifully to pick up 4-38 off 7 overs. He also ran out McKenna with a direct hit from side on. That'll teach Rob to take a quick single to the freshest guy on the ground! Chuck snagged 3 expensive wickets at the end and KRAC finished their 35 overs on 9-239. A little light I thought, but with the Wombats needing to score the runs off 30.4 overs to get their net run rate over KRACs and thus win the tournament it was going to be a very close chase.

The Wombats started poorly as Bjorn was out fourth ball of the innings, LBW leaving to a Pat inswinger. Pup came in at #3 and put together a fine partnership with Dino. Pup was driving powerfully and looked set for a really big score but on 40 he swished at one that flew straight up for Rob McKenna to show the Wombats how to catch. Whisk in his customary #4 spot looked his usual authoritative self in his last game for the club. 3 trademark off drives for 4 in one over highlighted another solid partnership with the increasingly aggressive Dino. Whisk fell for his club carreer average of 41 to a spectacular catch by the keeper McKenna. Chuck joined Dino at 3-170 with the runrate required for tournament victory at about 10 per over.

Dino and Chuck kept in touch with that rate and with 26 runs needed off 16 balls on a small, highscoring ground it was even money. Pat returned to finish out his spell and bowled a cheap over and Dave from the other end also sent down a miserly over plus removed the set Dino, LBW for a valuable 73. The equation was suddenly down to 16 runs required off 4 balls with Chuck on strike to Daves las